I fear love and getting truly close to someone because my first real life experience in this world was my triplet brother Zachary being prematurely birthed from my mother’s womb, in immense pain for 8 days and barely breathing with underdeveloped lungs, then dying before I am even born.
My brother Brett was born 19 days later and he had a hernia and pretty severe eye problems and his body was stiff as a board. My mom told me for his eyes they had to hold them open and flash lights in them which clearly terrified him and made him cry heartbreaking cries. My mother had to hold him while this happened because they knew the degree of trauma it would induce so they ask her to hold him. She already lost one boy and now she has to hold another while he is forced to experience more shockingly disturbing things that are done with good intentions; to help heal him. She has extreme hesitation but accepts the responsibility of holding her baby boy while he cries in terror as they help his eyes.
I born less than an hour after Brett, by cesarean section. My mother has joked to me that “I just didn’t want to come out of there!”
When I was taken out of the womb, my heart was not beating. I was physically dead. I imagine my soul had some messages to receive real quick before I came back to planet Earth.
I feel guilt about my birth story. I imagine I decided to make everything happen like this because I want to win… I want to win life, and win it right. I want my brother to die and be my connection to the other side. I want my brother to live and feed me until I don’t need him anymore. I want myself to be in good health and use my life as a selfish, selfless act of love.
I know in reality I was just an unborn baby loving life in my mother’s womb and then all hell broke loose before I was born, before I was fully grown!
But in spirit I am a wild source, willing to do whatever it takes to make incredible things in this world, using the system to my advantage and always keeping strong, silent faith that I know exactly, 100% what I am doing and where my intentions lie.
Laura Civica, you are one person who understands my spirit’s wish. You want the best. We want to win. We want to know love. We want to explore a human being’s capacity to understand Source energy. To go beyond expectation and experience.
To think the unthinkable and achieve the unachievable. To set our own limit of limitlessness. We agreed to do this. We promised we would. It is for the beautiful planet Earth. It is for everyone. And it is for us. This is why I miss you so much. It’d be nice to have a chill, fun time with an old, new friend.
That’s all I’m saying.